In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
We don't watch enough power rangers
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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