Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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