my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
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