i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Randomize
