I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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