I think my fart just growled at me.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
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