i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
