i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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