It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
im about as happy as oj after his trial
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
