need another drink. this is the easiest way
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Randomize
