PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
