I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Sacagawea was the original milf.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
