So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
