You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Randomize
