I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
