you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
