I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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