I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
