I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
