how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
