i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
