3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
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