At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
