u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
