Taylor Swift is so right about you.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
