So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
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