Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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