these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
