Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
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