So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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