$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Randomize
