You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
