You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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