She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
