I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
