she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
