I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
