3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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