he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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