well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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