Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
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