You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Randomize
