you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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