well I can't set my house on fire every night
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
