I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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