She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Randomize
