Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
