you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
