Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
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