No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
