so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
