He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
we're so committed to being not committed
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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