I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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