You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I got inside last night via doggy door
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
