a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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