I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Randomize
